HOW TO “SUCCEED” ONLINE IN 2025 (AKA HOW TO BECOME A SENTIENT MEME WITH CRIPPLING IMPOSTER SYNDROME)
Look. If you wanna “win” the internet by end of February 2025—first, throw your phone into a lake. No, wait, fish it out—you’ll need it to film your breakdown when the algorithm demotes your dog’s TikTok account to “local clown” status. SUCCESS IS A LIE YOUR BRAIN TELLS YOU WHILE YOU SELL YOUR AESTHETIC SOUL TO THE CONTENT GOBLINS.
Let me break it down like Shrek explaining swamp rent to Donkey: You’re the onion. Peel back the layers—“Authenticity! Relatability! Vulnerability!”—and at the core? A hollow scream muffled by an affiliate link for mushroom coffee. The internet in 2025 is just 12 billion people handing each other emotional IOUs in a Ponzi scheme disguised as personal branding. “Follow me for tips on mindfulness!” says the influencer meditating atop a pile of sponsored athleisure.
Here’s the cheat code (shhh, lean in, the AI overlords are listening): You gotta out-weird the collective delirium. Post a 3 a.m. rant about Star Wars geopolitics ASMR. Livestream yourself crying over burnt toast but call it “performance art.” Tag it #cottagecore. The algo’s into niche trauma now—thanks, Zuckerberg!—so lean hard into “hot mess limbo.” How low can your dignity go? Spoiler: There’s no floor.
STEP 1: BECOME A WALMART VERSION OF YOURSELF.
Dress like a Tim Burton character cosplaying a Pinterest mom. Speak in cryptic hashtags. #LifeHack—replace your personality with trending sounds. “Oh, you’re healing your inner child? Cute. I’m auctioning mine on eBay to pay for Google Ads.”
STEP 2: SACRIFICE GRAMMAR TO THE ENGAGEMENT GODS.
Capital letters? Random. Punctuation: ✨vibes✨. Write like a raccoon on Red Bull dictating to Siri. “Y’all ever just…exist? And your existence is just capitalism’s screensaver? Sips flat LaCroix Same.” Comments will be like, “MOOD,” and you’ll feel…nothing. Congrats! You’re relatable!
STEP 3: MASTER THE ART OF THE “OH, THIS OLD THING?” HUMBLEBRAG.
Post a 4K photo of your “messy” desk. Caption: “LOL my ADHD won today!” (Subtle flex: $2000 MacBook glowing like Excalibur in the background.) Someone will DM, “How do you do it?!” Answer: “Adderall and existential dread 💖✨“
STEP 4: TREAT EVERY LIFE EVENT AS CONTENT.
Breakup? 15-part TikTok series. Existential crisis? NFT collection. Grandma’s funeral? “POV: You’re a ghost watching me monetize grief.” Monetize the void, baby. The internet’s a middle school cafeteria, and you’re just trying to trade your trauma for clout before recess ends.
BUT WAIT—HERE’S THE KICKER: None of this matters. The second you “go viral,” your brain will short-circuit like a toaster in a bathtub. “I’ve made it!” you’ll whisper, as you check your 0.0007¢ Creator Fund payout. Meanwhile, your sleep paralysis demon starts a Substack.
So, succeeding online in 2025? It’s simple: Be the cringe. Embrace it. Let your soul dissolve into a sparkle emoji. And when the burnout hits—because it will—just remember: Shakespeare never had to stress about SEO. Or getting ratioed by a troll in a banana suit.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go water my “gratitude journal” (a dead succulent) and explain to my therapist why “content creator” is listed as my emergency contact.
—sent from my Notes app during a 3-hour doomscroll